Kommunikationsmedel

Kommunikationsmedel is the Swedish word for "methods of communication".

We all know that communication is key to maintaining a good, healthy relationship.  What we don't always understand is how to deal with challenges that arise in communication.  One of the most important things necessary to developing or maintaining healthy communication is to understand what it is made of.

1. 14% words, or verbal communication
2. 35% tone used when verbally communicating
3. 51% nonverbal communication (ie. body language)

That seem a bit of a surprise, but what are we really interpreting when we listen to someone?  Oftentimes, we rely most on their body language and other cues to understand the meaning behind the words they are saying.  Then there is the process of exchanging words to express a thought or feeling.

You can never not communicate.  There will always be some form of communication occurring.

It is important to create a good, healthy family culture with clear, healthy boundaries and clear feedback loops.  The above illustration shows what happens in communication and may be able to help diagnose where a communication problem is occurring.  If you decode something as a negative, then check for understanding.  Clarify what was shared.  Frequent clarification is crucial to maintaining good communication.

In all things, act in love.  Strive to be selfless and not selfish.  When selfishness and greed enter the picture, there is little to no room for understanding or effective communication.

There are many ways to communicate.  For your sake and for the sake of your family, friends and loved ones, learn how to say what you really mean and communicate how you really feel.

Coping with Family Crises

English: crisis

Chinese: Traditional 危機

               Simplified危机

In Chinese, the word for crisis is made up of characters that mean "danger" and "opportunity".  That's what a crisis can be: an opportunity to learn and grow.

A family crisis can begin anywhere, and is generally cause by a series of stresses, or stressor events.

Possible stressor events:

• accident, natural disaster
• moving
• surgery
• serious illness (ie. cancer)
• death
• internal strife
• major financial purchase
• attempted suicide
• gambling
• job change
• loss of faith (for those who are religious)
• divorce
• abuse and assault, violence
• alcohol, drug, or another addiction
• unemployment
• pregnancy, miscarriage, other related complications

All these stressors can build up and cause a crisis to erupt in the family.  In 1958, Ruben Hill developed a model to describe stress and crises.  He called it the ABCX model.

A: actual event (stressor) and resulting hardships

B: both resources and responses to the stressor and hardships, management of stress through coping

C: cognitions, perspective, the family's definition of the even

X: the complete experience, affected by A, B and C

What can wise and effective families do?

• have dinner together (routine provides stability and comfort)
• accept each person how they are
• talk about what is going one (explain things, self-disclosure is healthy and brings healing)
• involve and discuss things together
• affirm your own worth and your family's worth

There are other things a family can do.  You can brainstorm and discuss with your own family what would be helpful for them!

Crisis events are difficult to go through.  Coping is often described as dealing with a stressor event or a tragedy.  It is not just escaping or avoiding the pain and hurt.  Coping with something means you find a way to accept it and begin healing from the pain.  It can also be defined as making small adjustments so that things fit together well under pressure.

Coping with family crises:

• takes effort but is well worth it
• know self and understand self-worth
• accommodate each other
• thoughtful and purposeful
• ahead of time
• something to help you out of danger
• stronghold, foundation
• dependable

There is a lot that is stressful in life, especially in a family, but a crisis presents a certain opportunity to learn how to cope with the stressor event.  It is an opportunity, when responded to in a healthy manner, to grow together as a family, potentially creating closer family relationships.

Look at a crisis not just as a danger, but also as a wonderful opportunity.  Good things will come.  All will be well.

Celestial Marriage

Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God.
(reading: "Family: A Proclamation to the World" from the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)

There is a quote I once read, I don't remember from who, that says "We are not mortal beings having a spiritual experience.  We are spiritual beings having a mortal experience."

Not many remember this truth today.  Not many people realize the importance of marriage and family.  We are heavenly beings come to Earth to have a mortal experience.  Relationships are meant to last longer than this life.  They are meant to be eternal.

Satan wants to win, but we don't need to let fear and doubt overpower us.

Even before marriage, we should all be aware of the attachments we are forming with others in our life.  We should be aware of who we become attached to, how and why.  There is a RAM model of attachment with 5 steps:

This model tells us that we need to know someone very well before we can completely trust them, rely on them or commit to them.  These levels of each category allow for a healthy attachment between two people.  It is important to know someone and understand them.  To know someone requires togetherness, talking and time.  Once you share experiences and things close to your heart, you begin to form an emotional attachment.  Just don't forget to keep physical touch in bounds.  Don't forget.  It needs to be kept in bounds, especially before marriage.  But the level of physical touch does increase after marriage, which is good for the marriage relationship.

A note on cohabitation: it does not actually have any proven benefits to the quality of a relationship or marriage.

Strong marriages:
- helping each other
- struggling together, not separately and alone
- coping together, not alone
- supporting each other
- overcoming trials and hard times together

Exercise faith and have courage!  When two people have their sight set on the same things and share the same visions, dreams and goals in life, then they will be able to work through problems.
Another quote I like: "A team of two will always win when one of them is God."
Before any readers get offended, remember this: I know this is true!  I have seen this time and again in my life!  My parents have been a living testimony to the principles of faith and courage and love.
Never give up!

The joy and fulfillment in a strong marriage is worth the wait.  It is worth the sacrifices that need to be made now to have that strength in the future.  It is worth every effort to obtain and maintain a celestial marriage.

Sex Differences: Nature v. Nurture

Before I dive into this subject, anyone reading this should know that it is quite controversial in today's society.  You'd think that people would learn how to be less offended by things and more accepting of each other, but we can see clearly that many have bitter feelings in relation to this topic.  Well, they might have less bitterness toward the topic and more bitterness and hatred toward those of a different opinion than them.

Let me start with a quote we mentioned in our Family Relations class discussion: "We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls." Gloria Steinham.
What does this imply?  Are girls better and more prepared than boys?  Many people say there are no differences between men and women.  But are there differences?  Might this be causing some of the problems we see in today's society?
One conclusion we came to was that we should take into account gender differences but we definitely need to hold each other to the same moral standards.  Preferably the higher moral standards.  We need to raise our children to be more like Christ was, whether you believe he is our Savior and Lord or not.

If we generalize into "male" or "female" characteristics, we do see differences:
Male:

• aggressive
• competitive
• spacial orientation
• mathematical
• logic
• more grey matter in the brain

Female:

• expressive, emotionally and otherwise
• cooperative
• attention to detail
• relational orientation
• language
• more white matter in the brain

Obviously not everyone has only "male" or only "female" characteristics, but is we assume everyone always has the same characteristics or personality traits, then we begin to see problems come up.  A boy who has more "female" characteristics may easily begin to believe he is a girl, when in reality, it is society and the media and other sources feeding him the stereotype of who he should be.  The same goes for girls.  Sort of.

Think about this: a tomboy is looked at as an athletic girl, but a boy who has "female" characteristic is looked as as a wimp, gay, or other things with a negative connotation.

This is just a piece of one side of information.

Let's look at the biology!

Let me just give a brief overview of child development:

Childhood temperaments: aggression, activity levels

• boys and girls show different levels of aggression and activity as they begin to develop their personalities more

Sex-typical/atypical activity and playmate preferences: gender conformity/nonconformity

• there are stereotypical gender roles put on boys and girls
• as they begin to grow and develop more, young children begin to conform to those roles or avoid those stereotypical roles
• if children are fed certain ideas of who they should be, they are more likely to feel bad for who they are if they don't conform

Feeling different from opposite/same-sex peers: dissimilar, unfamiliar, exotic

• Again, if children are fed certain ideas of who they should be, they are more likely to feel bad for who they are if they don't conform

Nonspecific autonomic arousal to opposite/same-sex peers

• This is a real thing
• the body begins to go through puberty and begins to experience certain physical reactions
• this should NOT be mistaken as serious sexual arousal or sexual interest
• a child may think they are gay when what they are experiencing is normal and mainly concerns intimacy rather than sexuality

Erotic/romantic attraction to opposite/same-sex persons: sexual orientation

• this is when the sexual side of things comes out
• it is SO important to discuss and develop healthy thoughts, feelings and relationships

Note: Some say that people are often just born in the "wrong body".  According to doctors, that happens so rarely, but it is possible for someone to be missing parts.  And even that doesn't happen very often.

It is very IMPORTANT for parents and others to be well-informed and educated.  If they know what the research actually shows as opposed to only being aware of popular belief, they may be better able to nurture their children and help them develop their personalities.  Having that kind of knowledge allows a parent to articulate well as they talk with their spouse and family.  This will help avoid mistakenly categorizing someone as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and other similar labels.

Let us educate ourselves and others so we can best help those we know and love to develop their personalities as they should be and have confidence in who they are.

Let us love and care for everyone.

The Effect of Cultures and Change on the Family

A lot has happened since I last posted.  I must say that the thing that made me think and reflect the most was our discussion about culture.  We looked at a hypothetical but realistic situation of an immigrant family.  Just to give context, I'll tell the story first.  Keeping in mind this is just one example of one fictional but realistic family.

There is a family from Mexico living with the parents, son, daughter, and grandmother.  Very close to them is the brother and his wife and little girl.  Both little girls are the same age, so they spend a lot of time together and have become good friends.  The son is a young teenager and loves to be independent.  They all care deeply for the others in their family.  The father works a lot and the mother spends most of her time caring for the home.  The parents decide that they would be better off in the United States of America, with more safety, better pay, and more opportunities for their son and daughter.  But they only have enough for the father to cross the border.  So he makes the dangerous journey.  His family couldn't know for sure whether he would make it safely or be forced into a perilous situation where he could get killed.  But he gets to America safely and starts working.  They thought the mother and children could make it in a matter of months, but they still don't have enough money.  In America, the father doesn't know the language well and lives in cramped living conditions.  In Mexico, the mother has taken on the role of father as well.  She works long hours and takes care of the home.  The children don't get to spend as much time with her, but at least they have their cousin, aunt and uncle, and grandmother.  The son takes on more responsibility to help provide for his family in Mexico.  Months go by and they have all begun to adjust somewhat to their new family situation.  After a couple of years, the family finally has enough for the mother and children to make the journey across the border to the United States of America.  They're excited to be reunited with their father, but they are sad to leave their family in Mexico.  When they finally get to America, they face a huge set of challenges.  The have to learn a new language, learn a new culture, adjust to a new family situation.  There is the stress of providing for their family, taking on various roles in the family, and especially the stress of potential deportation.

Now let's look at the effect on the family.  The love and trust they once had is no longer the same.  It is hopefully still there to some degree but it has been changed or destroyed.  They began as a whole family in Mexico, took on different roles and responsibilities while they were separated, and came back together in America.  As more of them took on jobs and other such responsibilities, they had less time together as a family.  Children experienced more feelings of loneliness and isolation.  They had no one to relate to completely.  They had a cousin and grandmother in Mexico, but they couldn't speak the language in America and therefore had a hard time making friends with others.  They could only relate to others in their same situation.  Once in America, there are greater conflicts in the family.  They went through a lot of stress and worry getting to America safely, but now they have the stress and worry of staying in America safely.  The only way the parents can get important things done is to have a translator, which puts a lot of stress on their children.  The children learn the English language faster because they have better capacity at that point in their lives and they have more time and motivation to learn the language.  This gap in understanding is hard to adjust to.
Then there are real and perceived threats.  Both make the parents act more authoritarian, which the children don't feel as happy and comfortable in.  This conflict is made more evident with the stress and difficulty in adapting to a new culture and language.  The family connections that were once deeply engrained in who they were are now buried beneath change, stress, worry, and other challenges.  They become lost in their new world.

Too often, we do not understand what these families have gone through in getting to America.  Too often we do not understand fully the dynamics that have changed as a family immigrates to a new country.  We may still not fully understand but we can be educated and informed.  We can seek to know everything we can and then empathize with these families.  There is not one design and pattern followed by every family across the board.  Let us be more tolerant and loving toward these families who have gone through test and trial not once but multiple times.  Let us be more compassionate and empathetic.  We can all benefit from that.  We can all learn and become better people as we learn to love, serve, and avoid passing judgments.

Decline of the Family and Importance of the Family Unit

What a fantastic first week learning more about the family!  I'm going to organize this post in subject sections so you can read what may be the most interesting to you.  There will be more information at first and then I'll talk more about how I'm applying this knowledge into my life.

Population Growth and Decline:
We hear a lot about the "Baby Boomers".  Are there more problems today because of the huge population increase in that generation?  Maybe, but there is no one single cause.
We do know that population growth contributes to depopulation because we use the resources of the Earth.  As a result, there are negative results on the economy and the world.  We need to be able to support the population of the world with the resources we are given.  We need to be able to budget the resources we have.
Before we focus on anything negative, it is important to note that population growth is not all bad, and population decline is not all good.  With a lower population comes a lower number of workers.  However, as the world progresses, we need higher quality work and more efficiency in work.  Children, who will grow to become the educated workers and leaders of tomorrow, become what you could call a valuable "commodity".

Individualism:
Individualism is one of the "revolutions" that has occurred in the last several years.  It is a focus on the self, the individual, that has developed in modern society.  We say that there is no need to depend on someone else.  All you need is personal strength and confidence.  Then you can find happiness on your own, focusing on your own perspective and way of thinking.  Thus, young people are focusing more on careers and less on marriage and family.  What will that do to the family?  Delaying marriage lessens the options available.  It is harder to have children and you will have fewer children.  There will be a lower quality of family life due to the career focus, which will potentially cause social and emotional problems in the children in these families.  Society begins to hurt socially and economically with smaller and lower quality families.

Women's Revolution:
The Women's Revolution comes somewhat before the others.  Around the time of World War II, women began entering the workforce more because all the men were away at war.  They were given more opportunities to have a career, which they held onto.  Women began to take more control over their lives, making decisions for themselves.  With higher education for women came lower fertility rates.  Less women wanted children as they developed their own career.  What I would say was one of the most important aspects of this revolution is that women were making decision for themselves more often than before, which helped contribute to the Sexual Revolution.

Sexual Revolution:
This revolution saw women take more control over their intimate life decisions.  Birth control was more widely accepted and sex began to be separated from reproduction.  Now people could have intimate relations with whoever they wanted with no obligation to be married.  They could just take birth control to avoid pregnancy.  The idea of marriage changed.  The basis for marriage, and therefore family, as ordained by God began to erode.

Divorce Revolution:
Along with the other things that were happening around World War II, there was a divorce revolution.  There were more divorces due to infidelity and other causes.  The "no fault divorce" law didn't help anything.  It only allowed people to seek a divorce for seemingly no reason at all other than they no longer wanted to work together for their family.  As divorce rates increased, the quality of family relations decreased.  It is clear, from the observations and evidence we have seen, that the family is an important, if not central, unit in society.  If we lose families and the quality of families, we will lose many blessings and benefits we have thus far enjoyed in life.

Influences/Effects on the Family:
It is very difficult to overcome the disadvantages we have seen in families since all the above revolutions have occurred.  There are greater disadvantages in unmarried households.  There is a higher abuse rate, higher incarceration rate, higher rate of expulsion from school...  Overall, there is less preparation to make good, solid contributions to the economy or to society.
We clearly need to protect and strengthen the family so we can begin to heal the negative effects we already see.  If we want to increase the quality of life, quality of support and the quality and amount of resources and opportunities, we need to nurture and support every family.  In the family we see the next generation, the next leaders in the world.  People understood the value of the family in the early 1900s, but today we have lost sight of what is truly important: the family.

Are There Solutions?
Here's the problem: family decline → fertility decline → economic decline.
Can we find a good solution to this problem?  What I see is that educating people about the TRUTH is important.  If people understand how the world and how society works in this world, they will understand how important good families are, whether or not they are religious.
The attack we see on the family is strong, and the family is getting weaker, but that is NOT good!  We need to find ways to strengthen and protect the family to the best of our ability.
One idea is to create policies that strengthen the family and protect this important unit in society.  Maybe then the quality of families in the modern world will increase.  When families are strong, people are happier and more productive in the things they do.
Another idea is to better budget the resources we have in order to do more things to support and strengthen the family.

The BIGGEST thing that can help, however, is if YOU and I do whatever we can, within our capability and power to have a good family in our life and protect and support those who have families as well.  We can strive to educate those around us who may not fully understand the impact a healthy, happy family has in society.

I makes me so sad to see how the family is being attacked and destroyed.  We need the family unit to survive as a society!

I invite whoever is looking at this blog post, whoever may see it even at a glance, to understand the importance of family and then act to strengthen and support the family unit as best you can, anywhere you can.

Introduction

Hello!

My name is Hannah Westerlind.  I haven't kept up a blog very often, but this will be a good opportunity to gather the lessons and things I learn from my Family Relations course.  I am excited to see how I learn and grow over this semester!  Hopefully I'll be able to articulate my thoughts well.  I hope at least some of you will enjoy reading this as much as I'll enjoy writing it!

Hannah Westerlind